


if the story's over, why am i still writing pages?

by peachesnclem



Series: the orchard [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst, Connor is dead, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Galaxy Gals, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Mentions of Suicide, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Sort Of, Sort of? - Freeform, TW:, Tree Bros, ghost au, he's like in limbo and is forced to help evan thruought his life, inspired by all my hope
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:36:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27694237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachesnclem/pseuds/peachesnclem
Summary: Inspired by All My Hope.-"Connor Murphy, we're giving you a second chance at life again."When Connor's given a sudden, unwanted chance at life again for the simple bargain of saving anothers life, he's not sure he can live up to the task.
Relationships: Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen/Zoe Murphy (onesided)
Series: the orchard [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2025335
Comments: 3
Kudos: 29





	1. the archer

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [All My Hope](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11762676) by [Piper_Emerald](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piper_Emerald/pseuds/Piper_Emerald). 



> yes a lot of my fics have taylor swift titles. who's gonna stop me

Connor Murphy was dead. There was fact. What wasn't fact was how life for dead people was, you know... After they're dead. So, he's sent to a limbo. Too much of an ass to go to heaven, but not damned enough to go to hell. (Who would've guessed these places actually existed? Connor never really cared, he knew if hell was a thing he'd be burning when he passed.)

So he sat here in a manilla folder kind of color room, hands folded and absentmindedly tapping his foot. There was nothing interesting about the room, it was stark and uninteresting. If you died and came here, there would be nothing to be excited about. No "oh my God, I'm about to meet God!" from the overly religious. It doesn't spark interest, at least not to Connor.

And then he hears a woman walking in, the clack of her heels a telltale sign. He doesn't fix his posture at all, lazily looking over to study her. She looks middle aged with kinky, dark curls framing her dark, pigmented skin. Brown eyes gesture to him, and she gives him a warm smile. "Hello, Connor. As you might have guessed, you're d-"

"I know," he cuts her off, frowning.

"...Alright, we'll skip that, then," she continues smiling, not deterred by his bluntness, "We're... not quite sure where to place you, you see. There's three places beings can go once they've passed. The bad place, the neutral place, and the good place. As Christianity refers to the bad place as 'Hell,' it's simply for people who didn't do much good deeds in their lives, their bad deeds being abhorrent and irredeemable. The neutral place is for people smack dab in the middle, not super good but not down right evil either. And the good place, as Christians call it 'Heaven,' is a place for those who have done triumphant good deeds."

She pauses, as if she's waiting for him to freak out or something, but he doesn't. He gestures for her to continue.

"Your track record is... Well, I'll be blunt. You weren't the best kid, but you also grew up in a less than ideal environment for such a child to flourish in. At your time of death, you were still a teenager, which is why we're so hesitant to place you anywhere. You're a case we have to be softer with our judgement with, considering your upbringing, but you weren't exactly very kind to those around you either. We don't do this often, but..." She clears her throat.

"Connor Murphy, we're giving you a second chance at life again."

Time kind of stills there- Is time even a thing here? There was no clock to guess if it was or wasn't, or- Hey, he doesn't even need to breathe actually. He just noticed because he's been holding his breath for what, twenty seconds?

"I don't want it," he shakes his head, and the woman doesn't falter. "We knew you'd say that. But it's not exactly a choice, I'm sorry."

"You can't just say we're 'GIVING' you a chance and then completely take away my option to say no."

"Well, we knew you would be brash about it. You'll change your mind," she smiles again, and as genuine as it seems it just irritates Connor, "You'll be watching over someone. Keep them safe, you'll know who."

"What? You can't just toss me into something that I have no idea what and expect me to-"

She hugs him unexpectedly, and before he can thrash out of her grasp he's gone.

* * *

Connor jolts awake on the pavement, right next to a house that isn't familiar to him at all. It's raining lightly, not enough to soak someone but enough to make them a little wet. He sees a kid walk out of the home, and he looks young. Not like... eight year old young, but like maybe middle schooler young. Their eyes lock and the kid shifts uncomfortably.

Connor gets up, brushing and going over to the kid. "Hey."

The kid doesn't reply right away, the death grip on the strap of his backpack growing ever so tighter. "H-Hi, um- Who are- Are you my mom's friend?" He shakes his head. "Uh, no. I'm a... _neighbor?_ Sort of, uh. My name's Connor. Just..." He trails off, not exactly sure what he's supposed to say. That lady could've given him a lot more directions. Like maybe a fucking guideline and a book with tips???

"U-Uh, okay, well, I've got to get to school, a-and-" The kid is very nervous, Connor notices. He's practically trembling when he speaks.

"Evan," a woman steps outside, and she looks to Evan, not even sparing a glance at Connor. "Who are you talking to out here?" She raises an eyebrow.

"The- um, the..." He points to Connor standing right there, but she looks at where he was. She's looking at him, but not exactly seeing him. Her eyes are glancing right through him, as if he didn't exist.

Connor forgot he was a ghost for a second there.

"...Okay. Well, I'm off to work. Do you want a ride?" She asks, and Evan quickly shakes his head no. "I-I'll walk."

"Alright," she presses a kiss to his forehead, "I'm just a phone call away." And then she slides into the driver seat of her car, looking at Evan as if to say 'are you sure?' and he shakes his head again. She gives a gentle smile and nods, giving a small wave before driving off.

Evan turns to Connor. "S-She didn't see you. Am I h-hallucinating?"

Connor forces a laugh. "No, uh... Think of me as a guardian angel. Wait, ugh. Just all you need to know is I'm dead. I'm like. A ghost."

"Oh," Evan frowns. "How did you... um, die?"

"I don't wanna talk about it," Connor quickly diverts the conversation, "How old are you?"

"Thirteen," Evan replies, "Um... School's gonna start soon, so I've gotta, uh..." He shuffles from side to side, "I'll come with."

Evan looks a little nervous at that, but he nods anyways.

"So you're in middle school?"

Evan nods again, "I- Well, it's okay. I k-kind of liked elementary better, 'cos no one realized I was there. But now uh- Everyone's kind of realizing things and now there's more pressure to figure out who you are. Like, n-now teachers are giving us assignments like, 'what do you wanna major in? What's your goals, your aspirations?' And I-I don't really know how to do those assignments. I don't get it. I-I don't think about those things and I don't wanna. Makes my s-stomach hurt," he rambles, before he realizes he's talking Connor's ear off. "S-Sorry."

"You talk a lot."

"S-Sorry, I didn't-"

"You apologize a lot too. It's fine. I mean, I get that. I didn't like middle school either, things... you know, weren't so simple anymore. I just faked all the shitty things they handed my way, or I just didn't even show up. Even went to an all boys school beforehand, then I got transferred out."

"I-I've never been to a private school like that," Evan comments.

"Good. It's hell."

Evan nods and Connor takes that as he doesn't wanna talk anymore. The two make it to his school in comfortable silence.

"I don't wanna go to school."

"Why? Is it 'cos what you said earlier?" Connor looks at the kid with an arched brow.

"Yeah. I don't... like going to school, I don't even have any friends, and teachers think that's good 'cos it means I'll focus more but-" He pauses, looking more self-conscious. "Sorry."

"Would it make it better if I came with you?"

"...Yeah."

* * *

Evan sticks to the walls, Connor's noticed. He blends in quite easily if you don't talk to him, because when he opens his mouth he stammers and his voice wavers and he's just all around very nervous. Otherwise? You wouldn't even notice him in an empty room. He's very different in that regard to Connor, who always stuck out like a sore thumb. Somebody who... Didn't belong. Two different breeds of outcasts.

Connor's also noticed that he's not just some random Evan, but that he's Evan _Hansen._ The same Evan that he pushed in the halls and whose cast he signed. He assumes he's in the past, then. It was quite a shock to see Evan writing his name 'Evan Hansen' on the paper he was assigned, and it was easily just as hard to contain his surprise. He couldn't just talk to Evan about it. One, the event hadn't even HAPPENED yet. No way Evan would believe him. So he was just kinda stuck there awkwardly watching Evan finish his work.

Then, lunch came around and Evan sat at one of the very back and empty tables.

"You don't sit with anyone?" Connor asks. Evan shakes his head. "N-No- Well, sometimes. I-I've got a family friend, Jared. B-But he's not here today. Sick. So it's just me..."

"Huh." Connor didn't have the best memory of Jared. His 'humor' was pretty fucking shitty, and when he was alive he was always an ass to Connor. "Do you like sitting with him?"

"Not... Well- Um, he'smyonlyfriendsoIfeelasifIhavetobutIkindofreallydon'tlikesittingwithhim'coshe-"

"Hey."

Evan looks up.

"Speak a little slower? I didn't catch a word of what you said."

"Uh. Well, I mean- We only hang out 'cos, you know... Family friend- My mom thought it'd be cool and everything but otherwise I kinda... I-I don't like hanging out with him, h-he always makes fun of how I act and it's not as if I could help it."

"Sounds like a dick," Connor comments, lazily sitting improper on the cafeteria table, leaning back onto it.

"...Y-Yeah," Evan snickers.

* * *

How'd they get here? Evan was fine at lunch and then the school day turned out to not be so fine. So, as soon as he was dismissed from school, Evan walked right to the Orchard. A safe haven for him, as he explained in shaky breaths to Connor. So the two rested underneath the shade of a large tree, and Connor found himself amazed. He... kinda didn't know this existed? He wish he did, though. It was quiet and away from the loud bustle people can bring.

Evan rested next to him, his finger guiding the lazy pencil strokes across his sketchbooks. Evan likes to draw, Connor's noticed. He's not an expert but he's way better than Connor. He didn't really have a talent for anything besides reading, and as the years went on he stopped reading as much as he did. His father always yelled at him about 'wasted potential.' Connor was a smart kid, but he didn't care enough to have his head in the books to put that to paper.

"Do you draw often?" Connor asks.

"U-Uh... Yeah, I m-mean It's kinda like... C-Comforting? A way of, u-um, expressing myself but... Y-You know... Like, j-just for me. A w-way of venting without actually telling anyone..."

"Cool. Sounds like a diary with images."

"I-I guess."

There's silence again. A beat before Evan, surprisingly, continues talking, "S-Sometimes my mom wants to see. But, l-like, I don't want her to see. I-It's embarrassing."

"But you're letting me sit next to you while you draw."

"Y-You're not looking, are you?"

"No," Connor lied."

"S-See. She tries to look, t-tries to get me to explain and... I don't wanna."

"That's shitty. She shouldn't make you do something you don't wanna do."

"S-She's trying, I guess."

"Sometimes that's all moms can do."

* * *

The sky had turned a dark blue, signaling the end of another day. Connor was laying on the floor of Evan's room as the kid was finishing some homework. He felt out of place, but he supposed this was his... job? Task? Duty? Whatever it was, the kid wasn't unpleasant, and he's glad he didn't get some brat that demanded attention. Evan demanded the opposite, he wanted to stay far away from the spotlight as possible.

"When does your mom come home?"

"U-Um, I don't know. Kinda late. I-It's, uh... It's never the same schedule."

"That sucks." Now Connor knew why Evan was such a... lonely kid. It was kind of sad. Not even his mom was here enough for him to get the attention he needed, and Connor hadn't seen a sliver of his dad. Maybe his dad wasn't around as much, but Evan had failed to mention him at all, so he didn't ask. Maybe they weren't on good terms like Connor and his own dad.

Evan got up, putting his homework into his book bag before settling back onto his bed.

"Will you be here tomorrow?"

"Uh. I don't know, maybe? I don't know if like... Uh, us ghosts have to recharge or someshit. I'm kinda new to this."

"Okay."

Silence.

"T-Thank you, though."

"What?"

Connor doesn't get an answer. Evan's already asleep.


	2. balancing on breaking bridges (1/2)

When Connor's awake again, he's not laying on Evan's floor. (Do ghosts even need to sleep? He doesn't question it.)

Instead he's standing in the Orchard, surrounded by trees for miles. He remembers coming here as a kid with Zoe and the rest of his family. It was simpler, then. They weren't on the battlefield with each other, she wasn't the knight that slain the monster, and he wasn't the monster that everyone knew was better off dead.

They were just kids.

But why was he here _now?_

He looked around and couldn't see a kid in sight.

Well, Evan had to be around here. Somewhere.

He began walking, trying to find a hint of that curly brown hair anywhere, but he couldn't spot him.

"C-Connor?"

He stopped.

"Huh?" Connor looked around. Where did that come from?

Evan climbed down a tree. Oh. That's where he was.

"I t-thought you weren't real," Evan admitted. "I-It's not unusual for kids to have imaginary friends, a-and you were there and then you weren't so I t-thought you were just. In my mind. Am I crazy?"

"No," Connor shook his head. "What do you mean? I was just in your room a minute ago-"

"It's been two years."

Oh.

Fuck. Evan went two years thinking he was crazy, then? "It felt different to me," Connor said.

"I-Is time different for ghosts?"

"Yeah."

Evan leaned against the tree before he was sitting, and Connor joined him. He didn't miss the not so subtle flinch. "So," Connor looked at him, "Do you still draw?"

Evan nodded, "Y-Yeah. It's uh... O-One of the only things that I'm good at."

"You have other hobbies, I'm sure," Connor shrugged. "Did I miss anything?"

"No," Evan lied. Connor noticed.

"You're lying. It's been two years, if you didn't need me I wouldn't be here." Evan winced. That was harsher than he meant.

"U-Um, sorry, I just didn't think that you were actually interested and you were just asking to be polite and I didn't w-wanna actually be honest and have a c-"

"Evan," Connor cut him off.

"Sorry. U-Uh, I visited my dad today." Evan hadn't talked about his dad the last time he was here. Was he as absent as his mother, if not more? He only saw Evan's mom that morning, and that was it.

"Did it go well?"

"N-No. I mean, maybe he thought so, but I didn't 'cos he was talking about his new family and bragging and everything, it just felt like he was dangling something I can't be apart of because that's his new and b-better family. Like he thinks I'm s-still that young kid he took to the zoo, but I'm not, so I f-feel like he was really disappointed to find out that I was just some n-nervous kid who messed everything up."

That sucked. Connor couldn't relate much, but he could relate on the fact that his dad kind of sucked. His own dad sucked too. "Fuck him," Connor shrugged again, "If he's doing that to you, then you don't need him. It's his fucking loss anyways."

"I guess, but I just..." Evan trailed off, and Connor knew what he was going to say.

"You want his validation, anyways, 'cos he's your dad."

"Y-Yeah."

"I get it. I mean, I was at that point too once. But then I just stopped giving a fuck about it. I wasn't gonna break my bones trying to reach someone's impossible standards," Connor admitted, "Did you tell your mom?"

Evan quickly shook his head. He looked like a kicked puppy. This really was eating him up, but Connor didn't know how to help. He wasn't gonna give him that 'it gets better' shit. That was a lie.

Connor wouldn't question why. He knew why. Connor never told his parents shit, either, mostly cause it'd stress them out and they'd proceed to take that stress out on him. It never worked well, so he preferred to tell them nothing at all.

"Do you feel okay after all of... that?"

Evan shook his head.

"I think you'd feel better if you weren't surrounded by like... so many trees. Let's go to your house."

* * *

"Are you hungry?" Connor asked. He didn't know why. Connor's not sure he could actually cook as a ghost. Wouldn't everything go through him like the movies?

"Kind of. M-My mom leaves money for food, b-but I never end up ordering any."

"Why?"

"T-The call. It's uh- It's too scary."

Connor shrugged. A kid like Evan trying to tell some dude over the phone what he wanted? Sounds like it'd send him into a panic attack.

"Do you have a computer? Laptop or anything?"

Evan nodded.

"Could I see it?" Evan didn't question, surprisingly. Just retrieved the laptop from his room and handed it to Connor. It didn't fall through his hands. He could hold it as if he was alive.

"Well," he began explaining, settling onto their couch with his legs crossed and laptop in his lap. He had it turned so Evan could see. "You don't always have to call. Some places allow you to order online, and all you've gotta do is just hand the money over. What do you want?"

"U-Um, anything's okay. S'long as it's not pineapple pizza," he muttered the last part under his breath.

"Even anchovies?" Connor joked, selecting a medium Italian sausage pizza, and before long the pizza was 'getting ready,' the site said. Evan quickly shook his head, "My mom likes anchovies. I c-can't understand why. It's gross."

Connor actually laughed at that. It was genuine.

The two lounged about, talking a little until there was a knock on the door. Evan liked trees, Connor noted. He was into photography, and although he hesitated to show Connor some pics, he eventually caved and did anyways. He wasn't a bad photographer. Better than people who only ever took pictures of themselves. The Orchard was one of his favorite places in this small town, if not his favorite. He's not sure what could knock it for Evan. Not having to interact with anyone? Sounded like a dream for him.

"Do you think you can do it?" Connor asked.

"I-I, well I think I can but now I'm not so sure 'cus-"

Connor grabbed the money and went to the door. He opened it and the guy could see him. He paid him, grabbed the pizza, then shut the door. A little rude, but who gave a shit? Connor didn't.

"Here."

"T-Thanks, you didn't have to get it- I'm sorry if you felt l-"

"Don't worry about it," Connor cut him off. He seems to do that a lot. He didn't care if Evan rambled, just not about stuff like that. There was nothing to apologize over. Brains are fucked up and he out of all people know that best.

Evan ate his pizza and Connor scrolled absentmindedly on Evan's computer, googling random things. He kind of forgot halfway that he was in the past, so googling something that he was curious about that happened around the time he died didn't turn up any results. Right.

"Do you sometimes watch those weird cooking videos YouTube recommends you?" Connor asked absentmindedly.

"Yeah."

"Do you wanna watch some with me? It was kind of a guilty pleasure to me. Staying up 'till like 2 A.M. watching some fucker make a no bake cheesecake."

Evan snorted. "S-Sure."

* * *

"Will you be here tomorrow?" Evan asked.

"I don't know."

Evan sounded upset- Well, maybe not exactly that. Uncertain, like he'd wake up and Connor would be gone again and maybe he really was crazy. Like he's still doubting if Connor's actually a ghost or just a piece of his stupid brain.

"Here," Connor said, settling at Evan's desk, "I'll stay up all night so I won't disappear. Then I can uh, I don't know. Come with you when you go to school?"

"B-But don't you need to, um... Sleep? I feel bad if I make you stay up all night."

"I don't think I do. I don't even need to breathe, I just do anyways. It's a habit."

"O-Okay. U-Um..." Evan turned off his light. "G-Goodnight, Connor."

"Night Evan."

And then Connor sat through the night, watching those same damn cooking videos. (There's some guy named Jun's Kitchen who has some really fucking cool cats that watch him eat. Connor really likes his videos the most.)

He made sure to have headphones in to not disturb Evan. He seemed like a light sleeper, tossing and turning at every little noise Connor made, so he acted like a statue watching these videos.

It wasn't too hard to stay up. He didn't get the tugging feeling he usually did when he was alive, his eyelids drooping or anything. He didn't _need_ to sleep. It was just habit.

"C-Connor-" Evan gasped, rubbing his eyes. The light from the morning peaked through his blinds.

"Are you always gonna do that when you see me?"

"N-No, yes- Sorry. I d-didn't think you were gonna be here-"

"Stop apologizing." Connor pushed himself away from the desk, hopping out of the chair and stretching. "Do you always sleep so light? I felt like I could sneeze and you'd just wake up."

Evan chewed his lip. "S-Sorry. I mean, w-what if someone breaks in and I'm f-fast asleep? A-And then they like, sneak in and t-take my stuff and kill me or s-something-"

"Probably won't happen. Don't think too much about it," Connor shrugged. "I'll let you change."

"T-Thanks," Evan muttered, and Connor left the room.

He didn't plan to snoop, but he ended up doing exactly that anyways. Evan's mom left food for him. That was nice. Connor's parents never made breakfast, he just ate cereal everyday 'till he got tired of that and went out and bought himself food in the mornings instead. He probably ended up skipping school the same day, too.

_Hi Evan, I had to head out really early today. Covering a shift for Susan, I'll probably be asleep when you come home from school. I left breakfast for you on the stove_

_\- Love, Heidi_

Huh.

Was he not on a 'mom' basis with Heidi? That was kind of... Sad. Like the two were so detached that he called her "Heidi" more than he called her "mom." That sucked. Even if his own mom was a fucking pushover, he still called her mom.

"Connor," Evan said behind him. He changed into a striped polo and jeans, his hands fidgeting in front of him. Evan always looked so nervous, like the world's just waiting to bring him under.

"Didn't mean to be nosy," he stepped away from the note. "Your mom seems nice, though," he commented.

"Y-Yeah, but she's never even here..." Evan tossed the food into the garbage.

"You didn't even bother taking a bite."

"Not hungry. I-I don't have enough time to eat it, anyways. If I don't leave now I'll be late."

"Okay," Connor found that a little odd, but he didn't know how it was with Evan and his mom. Again, he never saw her except that one time. He couldn't really form a base opinion on Heidi if she was never around, besides the fact that she kinda sucked for never being around. But that wasn't anyone's fault, she was a single mother after all.

"Let's go."


	3. balancing on breaking bridges (2/2)

Evan still didn't think he wasn't crazy. Like, some random teen shows up and says, "Hey, I'm dead, but I'm here to make sure you're not dead!" Or something along those lines. A 'guardian' angel. But he's dead, that's for sure. Nobody else can see him, and Evan's not sure why _he_ of all people was chosen to receive some dead mentor.

Maybe it's all an elaborate prank, but. Who would pull some sort of stunt like this? How many people did they have to pay off to make sure everyone went along with it? It was so cruel to think someone would do that, but. He was an outcast, why the hell not? Make fun of a kid who's probably not even gonna fight back, make fun of a kid who's just a sh-

"You're daydreaming," Connor comments, and pulls Evan out of his plummeting anxiety attack. He can't say anything, not while they're in class otherwise everyone will _actually_ think he's insane. He just gives Connor a look that (he hopes) conveys 'thanks' and 'sorry.'

He continues paying attention to his teacher- Well, as best as he could. He wasn't paying attention fully, he couldn't. Not with Connor was hovering over his shoulder- But he said it'd be okay for him to come but-

How do you get use to the fact that a dead person's watching you?

* * *

"You curse a lot," Evan comments as he's sitting in the school's hallway, back against the cool lockers. His habits at school went from eating in the cafeteria to eating alone in the halls. (He noticed that Jared didn't care if he was in there or not, it didn't bother him so Evan just stopped sitting in there entirely.)

"Well, _fuck._ Damn, I really didn't fucking notice," Connor commented sarcastically. Evan laughed a little at that. Still, a tired laugh but. One nonetheless. Things weren't so bad with a. Ghost? Imaginary friend? Person.

Yeah.

He absentmindedly picked at his sandwich. Evan didn't have much of an appetite anymore, maybe getting fast food so much ruined that. His mom was rarely home, so he ended up eating cereal or some food she got from McDonald's or something. The last time he had a home-cooked meal was... Two weeks ago? And it was very basic.

"You don't eat much," Connor was standing awkwardly next to Evan, hands resting in the pockets of his jacket. He wasn't too sure if he was okay to sit down or not.

"I mean- Kinda not hungry anymore. I eat the same thing everyday basically."

"That's sad. What about your mom?"

"N-Never home enough to make anything," Evan takes a bite or two of the bland sandwich before deciding, yup, he's done with it.

"I thought eating junk food was the highlight of every kid's life," Connor finally decided to sit down next to Evan, "My mom tried to make us all go vegan once. Made the shitty stuff- Uh, tofu? I think. It was gross, and I snuck out that night to get some actual food. Taco Bell at 3 A.M. is so good."

"You did that? J-Just for Taco Bell?" Connor was crazy, Evan thought. No way he'd do that- His mom probably wouldn't even notice but the stress of _knowing_ he did that would just eat him alive.

"Yup. Loved it too, didn't care that my parents fucking hated me the day after," Connor shrugged.

Connor didn't seem to think very fondly of his family, Evan noted. Maybe they were related to him dying? Oh god, what if Connor's family killed him? And then he's haunting Evan 'cos Evan's got a kind of okay family, and he's gonna possess Evan to enact revenge?

"Evan," Connor tried, but Evan was too busy staring very interested at the tile floor. He couldn't do it. The police wouldn't believe him! He'd get tossed into a Psych ward or something, right? Put into a straight jacket just like the movies, and he'd try and try to say that some ghost possessed him, but they'd just think he was insane. He doesn't even know who Connor's family is! He's just- Connor! _Who_ should he be st-

"Evan!"

Evan jumped.

"W-What? Sorry, I'm just- C-Can you read thoughts? Is that a possibility? A-Are you a ghost that can read thoughts! I have so many b-bad thoughts, oh god I-"

"No. I can't read your thoughts. What's up? You're like, suddenly more stuttery than you were a minute ago."

"Y-You- Um, y-your parents d-didn't-"

"Spit it out, Hansen."

"Your parents weren't, um, directly involved in how you died, right? L-Likeyou'renotjustsomeghostwhowantstopossessmetokillthem-"

Silence.

Connor's not sure how to reply to that.

"No."

And that's where the conversation dies.

* * *

_"Evan!"_

The two cringed. They both knew that voice very well. Jared Kleinman came barrelling over, backpack bouncing on his back. Connor and Evan had been in an uncomfortable silence after his question. Evan didn't push because well. He's Evan. He should've bit his tongue but instead he blabbered and then they spent the rest of the school day awkwardly being around each other. It's not like Connor could just... leave. He was stuck with Evan. (Evan suspects that Connor doesn't really wanna hang out with him, anyways.)

"Do you want a ride?" Jared said after he caught his breath, looking at Evan. "We haven't hung out in awhile, so we could go over my house and play some games. You know, otherwise my parents won't..." He trails off, but Evan gets the hint. "Yeah, I'll come over today."

"Cool. Awesome," Jared's not really putting much effort into their friendship but Evan knows. After Evan called him his 'friend' once in public, Jared had VERY insistently said that they weren't actual friends. Just family friends. Evan knew where the line was drawn since that day. He wouldn't hang out with Evan if his parent's didn't make him.

They sling their bags into the backseat, and Evan settles into front seat, immediately buckling himself in. "Do you not trust my driving?" Jared asked, a grin on his face before he noticed Evan's very worried face, and he knew Evan was about to word vomit an apology. "Rhetorical question, don't answer that."

He backs out of the parking lot before he gets trapped in the ocean of kids desperately trying to all leave at the same time.

"So," Jared's hands tighten for a second around the wheel, "I haven't seen you in a long time. My mom's wondering if you like, ran off or something. Wanted to know if you wanted to stay for dinner today. I told her you probably wouldn't want to, but she was so insistent. My family _really_ loves you, Evan." He rolled his eyes, sounding sarcastic at the end of that. Maybe even jealous.

"Um, well my mom... S-She'll probably be at class. I'll t-text her, but she wouldn't mind I don't think."

"Cool."

Jared turns up the music.

* * *

The car ride was so silent, save for the loud blasting of the Top 40s on the radio. Neither of them were really interested, they just... didn't wanna talk to each other? Like, their friendship was very basic. It didn't go any deeper than what had happened in the car. Evan would come over every once in a blue moon, and he'd pretend everything was alright between him and Jared. Like they were best friends. But that was far from it, but his parents couldn't tell. They'd eat up those lies every time.

"She should be making dinner right now," Jared says, grabbing his own bag out of the back seat. He heads inside afterwards. Evan grabs his own stuff, taking a little longer to head inside. He glances back nervously to Connor, and Connor just shrugs at him. Yeah, Connor's gonna make this a little harder. Evan kinda wishes that he had some telepathic ghost ability, so then they could just talk like that.

He heads inside, hearing the sickeningly sweet voice from Jared's mom, "Jared, hun, can you and Evan finish your homework? Dinner should be ready by the time you guys are done!"

"Yes, Mom," Jared replies loudly. He pats the seat next to him on the couch, and Evan hesitantly joins him on the couch. "Can you be any more slow?" Jared frowns. "S-Sorry."

They finish their homework in silence, only making fake conversation when Jared's mom comes to check up on him. Jared ended up copying everything Evan had anyways.

"My mom's gonna ask you to stay the night," Jared suddenly whispers to Evan, "You gotta say no."

"U-Um, why? I-"

"Because I don't want you to spend the night here. She's gonna force you in my room, probably make me sleep on the floor. It's weird."

Evan goes silent. Duh. Jared isn't actually his friend, so of course he wouldn't want him here. He grimaces, and then nods, "A-Alright."

"He's a fucking dick," Connor suddenly says. He had been silent since what Evan had asked in the hallway, and that was hours ago. Evan flinches, looking at Connor, before glancing back to Jared. He didn't notice the slight jump Evan did. "I-I'll be back," Evan excuses himself and heads right to their bathroom, locking himself in.

"He just basically admitted to not wanting you here. Why do you stick around with him? He's not fucking worth I- Are you okay?" Connor blinks. Did he make Evan upset? Because now Evan was having a panic attack and struggling to breathe. Tears were running down his flushed face.

"H-He- I-" Evan tries to speak, but he just ends up hiccuping over his own words. Connor's not sure how to help. He's only had panic attacks a few times in his life, and he had to get over them by himself, but it made him feel like he was dying. Suffocating to death while his brain was _screaming_ at him.

"Take deep breaths."

Evan shot him a look.

"I mean, like. Count your breaths. That helped me, plus identifying the shit that was in the room with me. Sounds dumb, but it helped. I googled it."

Evan nodded.

_One._

He was still shaking.

_Two._

He wasn't dying as much anymore. Everything still hurt.

_Three._

_Just clear my mind,_ he told himself.

_Four._

He's okay.

_Five._

He's fine.

_Six._

He could breathe.

_Seven._

He could be okay.

_Eight._

And he was. Evan still felt shitty, but not as shitty. Like he could actually breathe now without his chest feeling like it was caving in. He inhaled, and then exhaled. "S-Sorry, um- H-He's always like that. I don't t-think he cares about me at all. I k-know we're not friends. He's told me."

Connor made a face at that. "Then fuck him. Tell your mom to come pick you up."

"I-I can't! I- M-My mom's in class right now a-and- I don't wanna int- interrupt. S-She'll be d-disappointed a-and-"

"She won't, Evan. She's your mom."

"But-"

"Just do it."

And Evan did. He pulled out his phone and with shaky fingers asked his mom to come pick him up. She asked him why, but he just ended up being incredibly vague, saying he didn't feel good, and she told him she was on her way. Five minutes later she was pulling up and talking to Jared's mom. He rushed past them and just waited in the car with his mom, Connor laying in the backseat lazily. She came back with two plates wrapped in tinfoil. "Josie said she hopes you feel better," Heidi said, bucking herself in. "Seatbelt?" Evan nodded.

"She also gave us two plates to go. It smells good, I think we can just have this for dinner. Sound good, kiddo?"

Evan nodded again. "Y-Yeah."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

Evan looked back. Connor was gone.

* * *

Connor had only fallen asleep for a moment before he was pulled somewhere else. The same middle aged woman was staring at him. What the fuck? _Is she serious?_ He was hanging out with Evan. The two were okay, and they were okay. Why'd she pull him away? Wasn't time different for him? It's probably been fucking years already-

"Connor. You can't let your feelings get in the way."

"What?" Connor frowned, before he immediately barked back. This lady fucking puts him out to save or help some kid or whatever the fuck, and then says he can't let his feelings get in the way? "He's- He's actually fucking nice. What am I supposed to do? Let him stick with some fucking asshole who does not give a shit about him. I'd rather be fucking alone than be with an ASSHOLE."

"You're changing the course of history, that's-"

"We already are! _If_ he's supposed to die and I'm supposed to save him, then we're already changing shit! Then why does it matter?!"

"I know, but we-"

"You what? You don't fucking know. For me it was a second, but for him it was **_two years!_** He thought he was insane for two fucking years. I can't help him if I'm inconsistent."

"I'm sorry," she said.

She didn't hug him this time to send him off.


	4. you showed me colors i can't see with anyone else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! so i originally planned this story to end when connor inevitably gets his life back, but then decided. where's the fun in that??? so it'll go on for a little longer after that B)!!! (idk how much longer tho-)

"C-Connor?"

He had appeared right in Evan's room this time. Oops, he could tell he scared the shit out of him. "Hi."

"Y-You- You're n-" Evan's hands were shaking, struggling to hold his pencil.

"Are you gonna do this every time?"

Evan shook his head, "No. I just- It's been awhile and I t-thought- You were just-"

"How long has it been?"

"A year."

Connor winces. Fuck. He can't keep doing this to the poor kid, he's not helping at all like this. "I couldn't control when I left before, but now I can so-" Connor shrugs. "I'll be around a little longer, no promises but... I'll try."

Evan lights up at that.

* * *

Connor was there for a day longer. Then maybe two weeks longer, and before he knew it, he hadn't left at all. He was with Evan pretty much all the time, and when he slept he didn't leave anymore. Evan was on edge for the first few days, but after awhile he realized Connor wasn't leaving.

The two fell into a routine, a secret one. Everything about them was a secret, but they liked it that way. Only one ever person had paid attention to how happier Evan was.

_("You're so much happier than usual, Hansen, what's up with you?" Jared said, leaning next to Evan's locker._

_"W-What? I-I'm not-" Evan fidgeted his hands together, looking at the ground._

_Jared snorted. Evan hated how Jared laughed sometimes, he didn't hate his laugh just- He was always laughing at Evan. They never laughed together, it was always at him._

_"Well, my mom wants you over for dinner. Says I've been missing my best friend."_

_"Um, well I-I have a lot of homework and-"_

_"Evan," Jared interjected, "you know we'll do it over there. My mom always makes sure we do it."_

_"O-Okay," he nodded slowly. "I'll be over.")_

Evan had bad days too. So did Connor, but it- His was just anger, pent up anger and he never tried to direct it at Evan. There were days he was so mad seeing things from a different perspective. Things he didn't hear before, like Jared commenting on Connor every time he passed in the halls, or the times Zoe was sneaking about with people she definitely wasn't meant to.

The two were sitting in the Orchard, their new spot. It had gotten less and less visitors over the years, and it was to the point that Evan was basically the only person who was ever there anymore. Connor had spent a long time debating with Evan on what book was best, before they settled on _The Giver._

"They made a movie based off the book," Evan smiles, looking at the leaves blocking majority of the sky, barely even being able to make out the ever darkening sky, "We had to watch it for a class assignment." Evan didn't stutter. He barely stuttered around Connor, it was like. He wasn't afraid of Connor- Well, he really never was so that's not a good explanation. Just. Evan stutters around people whose presence he's not use to? Connor noticed that, and he barely stuttered when he was hanging with Connor. Only when he really wanted to ask something but didn't wanna offend him or something like that.

"I know. I was in that class," Connor rests his hands on his stomach, "Zoe made fun of me for days 'cos I was so interested in it that I fully watched the movie before we even watched it in class." He turns to look at Evan, noticing he was. Staring? Evan thought really loud, and Connor's just not sure how that works- When Evan was thinking, you could always tell. It was like you knew how his thought process was going.

"You're Connor Murphy."

He failed to ever mention his last name, Connor realized, so the cogs were turning in Evan's brain and now he's figuring it out, because there's only one Connor who shared a lot of classes with Evan. "I-" He tries, but he sees Evan spiraling already.

"C-Connor Murphy's gonna die?" He asks, but it's not towards Connor. "C-Connor's g-"

" _Evan_ , I- Don't worry about it, please," he tries to reach for Evan, but instead he moves away. That hurt Connor more than he'd like to admit. He figured it out, Connor was the horrid monster that wrecked the school. Plagued the halls. Was Evan scared of him now? Was he _relieved_? No more Connor! Everyone was probably rejoicing at that notion.

They always said he was better off dead.

"Fuck. You're just like everyone else, aren't you, _Hansen_?"

He left.

* * *

Connor was at the door of his house. The Murphy house, the dreaded one that everyone pretended didn't exist because Connor lived there. Even on the outside, he could hear the war zone going on inside. He pressed a palm to the door, hesitating on his choice before he fell right through. Is- That'd never happened before. Was that just a power that he had control over? Something that activated when he needed it to?

A shriek rung him out of his thoughts as Zoe and Connor glared at each other, "Connor, it's not my fault that you spend all your time getting high!"

Larry was standing right behind Zoe, arms folded with a disappointed look while Cynthia stood somewhere else. A bystander, but that didn't make her any better.

It was always Larry & Zoe vs Connor vs Cynthia. Larry and Zoe always thought the same, while Cynthia would sometimes speak up for Connor, she was never really on his side. She was always on the fence, hopping from one side to another or just entirely sitting there. Today was one of those days where she did nothing.

"Connor, I'm disappointed. You always do this, you always come home high on something. When will you recognize that you're on a bad path? Why can't you just be more like your sister-"

"Because my name's not fucking Zoe Murphy, is it dad?" Past Connor snarled back, hands shaking. Connor knew what was going to happen.

Zoe laughed, but it wasn't nice. She was laughing at Connor. "You'd be more like me if you just put effort, not my fault everyone thinks you're a freak-"

Past Connor tossed a vase right at Zoe. It missed, narrowly, but the room went silent before Zoe started yelling at him about how much of a fucking psychopath he was, Larry immediately berating him for resorting to violence while Cynthia tried to calm everyone down.

"I'm leaving," he said, grabbing his bag and walked right out the door. Or, well, walked right through Connor because he had been standing there the entire time, watching it all unfold.

"Connor please-" Cynthia pleaded, going to follow him outside before Larry put an arm in front of her. "Let him go."

"What if someone _sees_ him, Larry? I need to-"

"He won't listen to you, he never does," Larry said before turning right to his study. Cynthia, being the ever obedient wife she was, silently nodded, turning to Zoe who looked like she was going to burst into tears. "Zoe," she started, opening her arms and Zoe didn't hesitate to bury herself in her mother's arms. "Why's he so mean to me?" She asked between sobs.

"I don't know, honey, but I'm sure he means well. He's just... a little lost, he'll come around eventually..." Cynthia comforted Zoe by rubbing circles on her back, patting sometimes too.

He was always the monster, even when he had been provoked. Connor knows he shouldn't have thrown the vase but they were intentionally provoking him, yet Zoe didn't get scolded at all.

He was the monster, she was the victim.

Nobody cries when the hero slays the villain.

* * *

Connor's not sure how long he spends wandering around. And now he feels really bad, because he freaked out on Evan when he was probably just... upset that one of his classmates was gonna eventually die? They've been in the same schools since they were kids, just never talked to each other.

He should go apologize to Evan, but. That was... really hard for him. Admitting he was wrong. He's not someone who's so prideful they can't apologize, it's just- People never think he's genuine. That he's lying or someshit. His parents have yelled at him so many times for giving 'in-genuine' apologies that he just. Stopped giving them at all.

Connor's shoes were on the pavement in front of Evan's house. Stalling.

Why did he feel sick? He knew he couldn't actually get sick- He was a ghost after-all, but he didn't feel exactly good. What he did was shitty, but still the idea of confronting it? Fucking terrifying. And if he was alive he'd just. Run away from it. But he can't 'cos he's basically bounded here by Evan??? Or whatever. He doesn't really get the logistics but he'll leave that to someone smart.

He hears footsteps and he glances before he has to do a double take. It's Evan. "Um," Evan starts speaking, but he just. Stops. Everything feels so tense and weird and it's not often the two of them are like this. Evan's panic attacks didn't have this atmosphere, Connor's short bursts of anger didn't have this atmosphere.

This was the first time he directed that anger at Evan.

( _Technically there was another time but they hadn't gotten to that yet. What cast? Connor tries to forget that moment._ )

"C-Can we..." Evan gestures to the door. Connor nods.

The two of them go straight to Evan's room, the walk to it, although short, was entirely silent. Evan's room didn't change much, except that he had more books now. Connor told him to broaden what he read and gave him a bunch of books he thought was great. He'd never seen Evan make that face before. It was full of admiration and it made Connor blush and try to play it off. Connor never rambled, so the moments he did, Evan would always look at him like he just completed some lifetime goal or something.

Evan sits on his bed while Connor stands, like they're on two different sides and for a moment it vaguely feels like how and Zoe were. He watches as Evan fiddles with the hem of his shirt, and he's struggling to find something to say. Connor is too. He'll just put his foot in his mouth first.

"Evan, I-"

"Connor I-"

"-oh sorry, you go ahead first-"

"-I didn't realize you wanted to, sorry-"

They both had the same thought, speaking right at the same time and overlapping each other. Connor blinks at Evan. Evan blinks back.

And the two start laughing, and suddenly the atmosphere's not as weird and awkward. They're back to being friends. ( _Could you believe Connor Murphy had a friend? He can't believe it himself._ )

He takes a deep breath.

"Evan, I- I'm not good at... Mushy shit, like- I'm... Feelings- I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said, it just- Shit just got to my head. I'm not good at using my brain."

Evan smiles, "Me either. Brains suck- But uuuh... I know- I mean, I just- I was freaking out because while I knew you weren't..." He gestures to Connor, "...alive, like- I never fully processed it. I kinda just thought you were some, um... L-Like, random Connor? And there were a lot of coincidences, but I just- Pushed it outta my head. I didn't wanna think too hard on it-"

"I was gonna tell you eventually. I just didn't know how," Connor looks at Evan for a second before his gaze falls back onto the carpet, "Like. How do you just toss into a conversation, 'oh yeah I'm the kid that everyone jokes is a school shooter?' I didn't want you to just start. Hating me then. Like, you're my only friend, which is incredibly sad considering I hate to die before I got an actual friend but-" _Oh my god Evan shut me up._

Evan hugs Connor.

"You're 99% forgiven, but I'm hungry and you're a good cook so..."

Connor snorts. "Brunch?"

"Brunch."

* * *

The rest of the year is eventful but also not at the same time. Jared and Evan fight sometimes, but they always make up in the end. ( _"He just needs me for his dumb car insurance, Connor!" Evan cried. "I know."_ ) Evan's mom is ever so busy, but he's seen her sometimes. He sees the tired smile she gives Evan when the two cross paths and he sees her trying. Moms are great, sometimes. Connor always had a soft spot for his mom under all the anger.

Watching Evan has given him... hope? Like, maybe being alive isn't so bad. If Evan's his friend when he's alive, then maybe he could probably work through things. They've talked about running away into the woods and just. Leaving society behind to just live in some cottage. It was a silly dream, but it was a good one.

Evan's birthday came around too, and Connor could feel the anxiety radiating off the poor boy as his mom had company over, and he was biting down a panic attack as they all sung happy birthday to him. It's weird how parties for you always feel like someone else's party in the end. He ended up comforting Evan through a panic attack, and Evan had his own fun when everyone left and the two watched some shitty Netflix movie while Evan enjoyed his cake.

Now it's almost 12 AM, and the two are waiting for the ball to drop. New Years Eve was never spent like this with Connor. He always ended up escaping his house on holidays because his mother would throw these really huge and lavish parties. Zoe was always in her element, but Connor couldn't deal with the noise. So he'd just end up getting high and numbing everything while snacking on some junk food. The end of the year was always the worst for him because every month practically had a holiday.

But here, and the Hansen household, things were different. The only party ever thrown here was for his birthday, and that was it. Christmas was quiet, and his mom ended up getting called in for a shift through half of it, so it was just the two of them. Connor gave Evan a shitty drawing. He practically tossed it into his hands, actually, and told him to _"not make it weird."_ Evan got Connor a book, and although his stuff was always kept in Evan's room, they knew what was his and what wasn't. He loved the book. He made sure to tell Evan that.

"Are you ready?"

Connor blinks, "For...?"

"O-Oh! Uh, a new year," Evan says, fiddling with his sweater. His mom got it for him, saying that _'ugly Christmas sweaters are actually kind of adorable!'_ So Evan wore it for two reasons. One, because he was cold, and two, because he didn't wanna hurt his mom's feelings. "I don't know if I am, l-like... I've been kinda enjoying my time away from the place that's called 'school,' and the break's gonna end soon. I'm... I-I'm gonna miss hanging out like this with you."

Connor let a genuine smile creep up on his face. He did that a lot more. Smiling. It was because of Evan. "Don't worry, Hansen, I'll still be there. Not like I'm going anywhere."

"Yeah."

_Five... Four... Three..._

"I hope it'll be a good year," Evan comments.

 _Two... One!_ The crowd erupts in cheers, and Connor turns to look at Evan. Their eyes meet, and it's not like the movies where they kiss each other and practically are ripping off each other's clothes. But Connor realizes something.

He realizes that he's desperately fallen for this boy. Connor realizes that he's head over heels for Evan Hansen of all people, and Connor realizes that as Evan smiles at him. Their hands meet, but they don't do anything about it. It's a simple gesture, and Connor can feel his lungs basically crippling right there. "Happy New Years, Connor."

_Fuck._

"Happy New Years to you too, Evan."


	5. don't want no other shade of blue but you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some fluff before the bad shit happens B)

Connor can't stop thinking about last night. How Evan looked at him when it had finally hit 12 AM. How hopeful he seemed, and the way his face lit up when Connor smiled, and how his heart (???) was thumping so loud in his chest and he thought his head was gonna explode-

_You can't be sitting here thinking such thoughts about your only friend! Who you've only known in death!_

Fuck. He really wanted to enjoy this moment a second longer, Evan curled up on him like he was really there. Legs tangled and hands interlocked with each other. Sometime while they were together tonight, Evan was using Connor like a teddy bear, interlacing their hands and practically sleeping on top of Connor. Maybe he was cold, but-

Connor had to get up before Evan got up. He never woke up this early but the only reason he did was 'cos someone was digging their face into the crook of his neck a-

He's stalling. Okay, um.

Connor shifts, and then so does Evan. He shifts a little more, and Evan's hold on him tightens. He really didn't wanna let him go?

And.

Connor's rational part of his brain turns off, and he scoots closer to Evan again, shutting his eyes. He can hear the quiet, steady breathing from Evan and the low hum of approval as Connor settles right behind him. Locking his arms around the front of Evan, he'll be selfish for once. He'll let himself have this.

It's nice.

* * *

Connor startles awake to the sound of pots clanking, and he peers over the couch to see Heidi in the kitchen.

"Evan," she smiles, "Can you get the cups?" And then there's the sound of glass settling on the table. Connor smells the delicious waft of caramel and pancakes, and if he was alive he's sure his stomach would be growling at that. He watches as Evan sits, arms folded in his lap and his leg is tapping anxiously against the floor.

Heidi's a nice woman, Connor thinks. Maybe he was a little harsh judging her before, but she's just... overworked. Honestly? She's like angel disguised as Evan's mom, because she's so incredibly sweet and puts up with even the worst things with a smile on her face. Exhibit A: Jared Kleinman. When he comes over and Heidi's home, she doesn't hesitate to pop a frozen pizza into the oven at his request. With his awkward joking, she just laughs it off as kind as can be, and Connor can understand why Jared comes over to Evan's house more often than his own. The two don't even hang out regularly, but when they do he's typically here.

And then he's kind of sad for her. Because she's working so hard that she's never _there_ for Evan. She wants to be, she really wants to but her way of helping Evan doesn't work. Heidi is always so positive- 'false positive' as Evan had said before- that it just registers in Evan's brain that she's stressed by him. Like his mental illnesses stress her out and he even blurted out one night that maybe she spends more time at work than at home because she can't stand Evan. Connor quickly brushed that thought away, telling Evan that's not true, but he knows how Evan thinks, and maybe a part of his dumb brain thinks it's true.

"Orange juice or coffee?" Heidi asks, but Connor knows the answer already.

"Orange juice," Evan replies. Coffee and Evan Hansen do not mix well. He becomes even more jittery than he normally is and his brain goes like- 400 mph instead of it's typical like. 100 mph.

Heidi nods, and then she settles right next to Evan once their glasses are filled and there's food on their plates. "I'm going be off for two days," Heidi begins to explain, pouring syrup onto her caramel pancakes, "which means we'll have more time to spend together. I'll still have classes, and today I have a morning class but... We can do whatever you want this afternoon, okay?"

Evan tries to force a smile, but it's. Very obviously forced. "Y-Yeah, um- I'd... that'd be nice."

"I'll bring home pizza, or do you want something else?" Heidi checks the time on her phone.

Evan shrugs. "Pizza's okay."

Heidi smiles again. She's trying to keep the conversation alive, but Evan is _very_ much not interested, so as her desperate attempts at conversation topics die out, they sit in silence as they finish their food. "Alright, I've gotta get going. Text me or call me if you need anything, okay?" Heidi picks up their plates and puts them in the sink, coming back over and pressing a kiss to Evan's forehead.

"O-Okay. Thank you."

Evan's embarrassed by the display of affection, but Heidi's beaming like she just won gold medal at a marathon. "Have a good day, Evan!" She waves before shutting the door, and then Evan lets out a sigh.

_"Moms,"_ Evan groans as he places his head on the table with a quiet _'thump.'_ Connor laughs. "At least she's nice. Plus she made you _pancakes._ "

Evan snickers. "Caramel pancakes, to be exact. She knows I love caramel."

"You just love sweets," Connor settles right next to Evan. They figured out that he can eat one day, because he can sort of just. Materialize whenever he 'needs' to, which is very vague because half of the time he just uses it so he can eat, and he doesn't need to do that anymore. Also he couldn't cuddle Evan if he wasn't like, touchable. Not that- Yeah, he'll ignore that thought.

He doesn't hesitate stealing a pancake from Evan. It's deliciously and almost sickening sweet, something that he can immediately trace back to Heidi because she's super sweet but to the point where it makes Connor feel really bad sometimes, because he's got this family that should be functional in theory. Two parents that aren't divorced and two kids who aren't too far in age from each other, but instead once you pull back the curtains it's such a nuclear home. Nobody's happy there. Zoe has a shitty brother, Connor hates everyone there basically, except his mom on some days, Larry's a _dick,_ and Cynthia just wants to pretend they're all okay, and that they aren't falling apart all the time and she just. Really wants them to be a happy, loving family but she can't.

Evan's got an absent dad and an overworked mom, he's got severe anxiety and a fucking _dead teen_ haunting him, but he'd rather be in Evan's shoes than anyone else's.

"'S very good," Connor speaks with a mouthful of pancakes, and Evan laughs at that. He swallows before he continues speaking, "Have you ever been to A La Mode?"

Evan shakes his head. "I've never heard of it."

"Oh my fucking- You're shitting me." Connor is like- Okay well he's really astonished that Evan hasn't been there. For all the sweets he's seen Evan eat, you'd think he'd be a regular at A La Mode. But then he might not like to go anywhere like that because, you know, human interaction. "I definitely have to take you there someday." And then he pauses, blushing fiercely because he didn't even check in on if Evan wanted to go and it sounded kind of in a romantic way but he hopes Evan doesn't take it that way, so he adds, "If you want."

"That'd be nice," Evan nods, "I- Of course I wanna go, I mean... Yeah. But you've gotta tell me more about it, 'cos I still don't know what exactly A La Mode is."

"Ice cream, Evan. _Ice Cream,_ like... Wendy's Frosty's good ice cream."

" _That_ good?"

"Yes, that good. I loved going there when I was a kid, and maybe it's the nostalgia but it was so good as a kid, me and Zoe would always order the same thing every time we went. Vanilla with gummy bears and caramel drizzle and the ice cream made the gummy bears turn into basically rocks, that was the good part for some weird fucking reason. It was like, weirdly good, but I don't go there as much anymore. It's sort of far out and like... Well, I mean, I didn't go there when I was alive 'cos it'd be sort of weird to see this tall, lanky, emo kid go in there and then order _vanilla_ ice cream with gummy bears."

Connor snorts to himself and looks over at Evan, who's staring at him with wide eyes.

"Did I grow a second head or something?" He asks, and Evan immediately blushes, shaking his head. "No- I mean like- You've never rambled before like that and- It was like really weirdly endearing- O-Okay, um maybe weirdly isn't the word but like you were just really pretty and you were so like- Into what you were talking about which was ice cream um- You're like- What I mean is that-"

"You think I'm pretty?" Connor interrupts. He does that a lot and it's really rude to interrupt normally but Evan appreciates it.

Evan nods, "Like... really pretty." He's still blushing, and now Connor's blushing and they're looking at each other while blushing. Even as Connor looks away bashfully, Evan's still staring so Connor pushes his face gently, muttering _'dumb'_ under his breath because he's definitely not pretty. Evan is so much prettier than him and like, in the authentic, adorable way that a lot of people take for granted. Connor's like 6'4, skinny, and constantly looks like a mess who doesn't know what conditioner is. Evan's smiles are the best because when he smiles you know he means it and it's not forced like a lot of his smiles are to others, and Connor's one of the only people who ever sees those beautiful, toothy smiles that he gives.

"So," he gets up, stretching and trying to ignore how like, he's so utterly in love with this boy and- _Love_ is not the word- Maybe not- He feels like Evan right now where his brain's overthinking but... crushing??? Super new to him so he's just gonna ignore it for now! Swallow those feelings and hope he doesn't screw anything up. "Is it a movie day until your mom gets home?"

"I feel like we've already watched all the movies on Netflix," Evan smiles.

"Probably, but there's like- This section called Cult Classics and we haven't dabbled in that yet. I've figured out that Netflix has a shitty algorithm and puts the worst fucking movies in the popular category that are probably only there because they're so fucking bad. But if it's got a huge following then there's something good about it."

Evan nods and soon the two are on the couch, watching _The Breakfast Club_ and honestly Connor doesn't remember half of the movie because he's too busy watching how Evan reacts to it and it's cute. Soon Evan's snoring and Connor lifts him up and moves him into his room, putting him in the bed. And, although he thought against it, he climbed behind Evan and they had slept in the same bed before. It was. Something. But it was never intense like this because Connor's now aware of his crush on cute, anxious, Evan which makes things really weird but Evan always insists he'd rather him sleep in the bed than on the floor. At first it was really awkward and he thought Evan was going to implode but now it was normal, like, really normal but Connor felt weird about it now.

He told his mind to shut up, and for once, it did.

He went to sleep, but before he did he heard Evan's door open, and he hears a quiet "Evan?" from Heidi who probably hadn't expected Evan to be passed out before she got home. She smiles, comes over and tucks Evan in then leaves the room, the door shutting quietly.

Maybe things weren't so bad after all.


End file.
